Laughter promotes healing. We invite the community to submit spiritual humor to be shared. Scroll down to find the most recent jokes.This 'Pasta Plunge' photo was taken at Food Fantasy Festival Party 2004. Enjoy the Dance, Kamala Devi
INSTALLING LOVE Tech Support: Yes, ma'am, how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?
Tech Support: Yes, I can help you, are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart ma'am?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running ma'! am?
Customer: Let's see, I have Past-Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge, and Resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past-Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of it's own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done, Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error-program not run on external components. What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry ma'am, It means the Love program is set-up to run on Internal Hearts but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.
Customer: So what should I do?
Tech Support: Can you pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realise Your Worth; and Acknowledge Your Limitations.
Customer: OK, done.
Tech Support: Now copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey!!! My Heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everyone gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang-up, Love is FreeWare. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
Customer: I promise to do just that. By the way, what's your name?
Tech Support: Just call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as the Great Physician, or just "I AM." Most people feel all they need is an annual check-up to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer (ME) suggests a daily maintenance schedule for maximum Love efficiency.
-Author Anonymous
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping. The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping" A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping" A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping." The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 30 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?) and you get ready for
High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!
* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip... joy. With the second... satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the third, a danish.
* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
* Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
* The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?
A: Because he didn't have any attachments.
Two men meet on the street. One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?" The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks." "And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?" "Yes, he is. But he is meditating now." "Meditating? What's that?" "I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and do nothing!"
A priest and bus driver lived together and one day thay also together died. They go to st. Peter standing before heaven gate. He allows the bus driver to go to one of the highest heavens but the priest has to wait. He waits for long time and finally goes to st. Peter and asks: "Why could that bus driver go to the highest heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?" St. Peter said: "When you were speaking to the people at your church everybody was sleeping, but when that bus driver was driving everybody prayed!"
"I think it would be a good idea." - Mahatma Gandhi when asked what he thought of Western civilization.
An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him: You can stay here but we have one important rule - all students observe Mouna or vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years. After practicing for 12 long years Yoga Asanas, Meditation, a lot of Karma Yoga, etc., the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question. He said: "The bed is too hard." He kept going for another 12 years of hard Sadhana and austere discipline and got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good." Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: "I quit." His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."
If God is not the answer, what was the question?
For the majority of us the most horrible fear is the fear of speaking in front of a public and the second most frightening fear is the fear of death. Does that mean that if we had to do a speech at a funeral we would prefer to be dead ?
Steven Wright, is the comedian who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some more of his gems: -I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. -If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. -All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. -OK, so what's the speed of dark? -When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. -Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. -I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. -What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. -The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
* Be patient and achieve all things.Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
* To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
* The Torah says,"Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook.
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
((((( I don't know how Spiritual this is, but it sure made me laugh!)))))))))))))) 25 Things to Do in an Elevator 1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. 4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. 5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" 6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" 7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if he has an appointment. 9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would like to play. 10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask him if he can hear ticking. 11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 12) Ask, "Did you feel that?" 13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing him occasionally. 14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It'sokay, don't panic, they open again!" 15) Swat at flies that don't exist. 16) Tell people that you can see their aura. 17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" 19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly. 21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." 25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
Life Explained On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said,"Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Photography of Kamala Devi & Michael by Doug Mazell www.Mazell.com
There was a rich merchant who had 4 wives. One day, the merchant fell ill. Before long, he knew that he was going to die soon. He thought of his luxurious life and told himself, "Now I have 4 wives with me. But when I die, I'll be alone. How lonely I'll be!"
He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to delicacies. He took great care of her and gave her nothing but the best.Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I loved you most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No way!" replied the 4th wife and she walked away without another word.The answer cut like a sharp knife right into the merchant's heart.
He also loved the 3rd wife very much. He's very proud of her and always wanted to show off her to his friends. However, the merchant is always in great fear that she might run away with some other men.The sad merchant then asked the 3rd wife, "I have loved you so much for all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No!" replied the 3rd wife. "Life is so good over here! I'm going to remarry when you die!" The merchant's heart sank and turned cold.
He too, loved his 2nd wife. She is a very considerate person, always patient and in fact is the merchant's confidante. Whenever the merchant faced some problems, he always turned to his 2nd wife and she would always help him out and tide him through difficult times.He then asked the 2nd wife, "I always turned to you for help and you've always helped me out. Now I need your help again. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?" "I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!" replied the 2nd wife. "At the very most, I can only send you to your grave." The answer came like a bolt of thunder and the merchant was devastated.
Now, the merchant's 1st wife is a very loyal partner and has made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and business as well as taking care of the household. However, the merchant did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her.Then a voice called out : "I'll leave with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go." The merchant looked up and there was his first wife. She was so skinny, almost like she suffered from malnutrition. Greatly grieved, the merchant said, "I should have taken much better care of you while I could have !"
Actually, we all have 4 wives in our lives
a. The 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when we die.
b. Our 3rd wife ? Our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, they all go to others.
c. The 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how close they had been there for us when we're alive, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.
d. The 1st wife is in fact our soul, often neglected in our pursuit of material, wealth and sensual pleasure.
Guess what? It is actually the only thing that follows us wherever we go. Perhaps it's a good idea to cultivate and strengthen it now rather than to wait until we're on our deathbed to lament.
View Flash videos like 'The Matrix' parody website: www.TheMeatrix.com About factory farming on the makers website: www.FreeRangeGraphics.com(Reccomended for high speed internet)
If you have spiritual humor you would like to share, please submit it to Kamala@blisscoach.com
Kamala Devi is the author of Don't Drink the Punch, a public speaker, and a life coach leading individuals towards success and self-realization. To Schedule a session visit: www.blisscoach.com To read samples of her book visit: www.DontDrinkthePunch.com
Kamala Devi is the author of Don't Drink the Punch, Sacred Sexual Healing and a life coach leading people Toward Success & Self Realization!To Register for an event, or for more info. please contact: Kamala@Blisscoach.com or call 858-272-2254 M-TH 10am-6pm PSTZendow, Inc. Copyright 2008
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